Grieving Well on the Anniversary of Loss

The anniversary of a loved one’s passing can be an emotional minefield. As the host of the “Grieving Well” podcast, I recently experienced this on the first anniversary of my husband David’s death.

Though I planned self-care activities like a massage, beach visit, and lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, April 18th was excruciatingly painful. Around 10am – the hour David had passed the previous year – the grief came crashing down.

A text from David’s best friend acknowledging the significance of the date unleashed a torrent of emotions in me. In that moment, I felt our shared sorrow. While loved ones checked on me and my children made special efforts to be present, I realized I was not alone in this journey.

Anniversaries of profound loss can reactivate intense grief reactions like intrusive thoughts, yearning, anger, and anxiety, per a 2007 research study.

The day seems to trigger these feelings anew.

There is no “right” way to experience an anniversary of loss. You may feel overwhelming sadness, anger, or even relief once the day passes. Be compassionate with yourself and allow whatever emotions arise to flow.

Planning ahead can help. Take time off work if possible, visit meaningful places, write your loved one a letter, look through old photos. Lean on your support system. Most importantly, don’t judge the feelings that come. Grief is unpredictable and untidy.

As my aunt reminded me with a poignant quote from Regina King’s interview with Robin Roberts, “Grief is love with no place to go” after loss.

Of course it will make a mess of your emotions when the person you treasured is gone.

At the same time, feel grateful for the love you shared, as difficult as that may feel initially. Remembrance helps keep the memory of our loved ones alive in a meaningful way, aligning with biblical values.

Anniversaries of loss are profoundly difficult milestones. But disconnecting from the grief isn’t the goal. This journey challenges us to make space to feel and heal, while still honoring the love that shapes our sadness. Have compassion for yourself through this arduous process.

The most important fact for you to remember is this: You are not alone.